Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I've asked people their motivation to keeping up with their faith even during the most trying of times. What is the one element that keeps a person from backsliding when he/she has nothing to hang on to, when all is left is a memory of what has once been? When you can't feel the presence of God? When the world starts to call out to your flesh, seemingly an easier place to live in without God?
Some reply that their motivation is the knowledge that they would get out of this pit, eventually - that this low state of existence would only be but a passing experience.
Some say it's the memory of the good things God has done for them. (And I'm impressed that there are people who are able to hang on to mere memories. Which brings me back to one of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place; to recollect the thoughts and blessings that God has endued upon me at any one time whenever the need arises.)
I wrote this on 23 August 2005 depicting my despair at that point of time:
How do I feel about life now?
I must say i'm a little bored, having grown so accustomed to the presence of God. When after so long, I feel like my life has retired into an undefeated rut. What can I say?
Deja Vu.
Without any thought, that would be my first complaint - that I'm bored. But as usual, I still credit myself for the fact that my attitude hasn't gone to pot. I do wobble along the edge of godly endeavor, willing that I should not plunge into the sea of passivity and indifference.
At least I try to balance.
And smile.
And lift my hands and say 'hallelujah'.
And keep a good attitude - which is controlled by a headed consistence.
But that's also the problem - my headed consistence. Because I believe that my life should be spirit led and not by what my mind deems most sensible. I live my Christian life as how I know how to, and not because of a passionate aching to get to know God more.
Still, there is a little flame in me that cries for more.
"God come down! Come down! I know you're here! Pass me not!"
His presence comes down.
I yawn.
Which brings me to my point. I need to go back to my first love. I want to go back to the time when one touch of God brought buckets of appreciative tears, to the time when I truly loved the word of God.To the time when I would spend time praying even when I was so tired and my body begged for rest. To the time when I forced my friends to go to church with me(although my methods were wrong). To the time when I dreamt of becoming a full-time missionary, preaching the word of God, dreaming of possibilities, dreaming of miracles and salvation.
And now, things have changed. And sometimes I find myself too bogged down by my mind -the questions, the doubts, the insistence. Even when I have my quiet time, my mind darts around and I find it hard to control it.
But I believe things will change. These things are seasonal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was in August. And now, I'm glad to say that I'm still a Christian despite going through the throes of living in a spiritual desert.
What keeps me moving?
Hope.
Because if I backslide, I have nothing to live for. At the back of my mind, I fear the life which offers nothing; a life that merely works for itself. I abhor the thought that we just live 80 years of our lives and disappear into thin air after that. Hate it that I were to backslide, I'd be living in the cheapen state of mortality.
The book Ecclesiates describes the way I feel about life in the most accurate manner possible.
But in the life that I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God. Life is no more cast into the hands of fate but into the hands of the living God. I don't trust fate but I trust God. My dreams of success and offering my labour to the world is not just an uncertain prospect but a surety. As long as my eyes are set on the harvest and my heart for the kingdom, my destiny would be unwrapped by God's hands for the Bible says, "And try Me now in this," Says the Lord of hosts, "If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour our for you such blessing there will not be room enough to receive it." ¶ 7:47 PM
Some reply that their motivation is the knowledge that they would get out of this pit, eventually - that this low state of existence would only be but a passing experience.
Some say it's the memory of the good things God has done for them. (And I'm impressed that there are people who are able to hang on to mere memories. Which brings me back to one of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place; to recollect the thoughts and blessings that God has endued upon me at any one time whenever the need arises.)
I wrote this on 23 August 2005 depicting my despair at that point of time:
How do I feel about life now?
I must say i'm a little bored, having grown so accustomed to the presence of God. When after so long, I feel like my life has retired into an undefeated rut. What can I say?
Deja Vu.
Without any thought, that would be my first complaint - that I'm bored. But as usual, I still credit myself for the fact that my attitude hasn't gone to pot. I do wobble along the edge of godly endeavor, willing that I should not plunge into the sea of passivity and indifference.
At least I try to balance.
And smile.
And lift my hands and say 'hallelujah'.
And keep a good attitude - which is controlled by a headed consistence.
But that's also the problem - my headed consistence. Because I believe that my life should be spirit led and not by what my mind deems most sensible. I live my Christian life as how I know how to, and not because of a passionate aching to get to know God more.
Still, there is a little flame in me that cries for more.
"God come down! Come down! I know you're here! Pass me not!"
His presence comes down.
I yawn.
Which brings me to my point. I need to go back to my first love. I want to go back to the time when one touch of God brought buckets of appreciative tears, to the time when I truly loved the word of God.To the time when I would spend time praying even when I was so tired and my body begged for rest. To the time when I forced my friends to go to church with me(although my methods were wrong). To the time when I dreamt of becoming a full-time missionary, preaching the word of God, dreaming of possibilities, dreaming of miracles and salvation.
And now, things have changed. And sometimes I find myself too bogged down by my mind -the questions, the doubts, the insistence. Even when I have my quiet time, my mind darts around and I find it hard to control it.
But I believe things will change. These things are seasonal.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was in August. And now, I'm glad to say that I'm still a Christian despite going through the throes of living in a spiritual desert.
What keeps me moving?
Hope.
Because if I backslide, I have nothing to live for. At the back of my mind, I fear the life which offers nothing; a life that merely works for itself. I abhor the thought that we just live 80 years of our lives and disappear into thin air after that. Hate it that I were to backslide, I'd be living in the cheapen state of mortality.
The book Ecclesiates describes the way I feel about life in the most accurate manner possible.
But in the life that I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God. Life is no more cast into the hands of fate but into the hands of the living God. I don't trust fate but I trust God. My dreams of success and offering my labour to the world is not just an uncertain prospect but a surety. As long as my eyes are set on the harvest and my heart for the kingdom, my destiny would be unwrapped by God's hands for the Bible says, "And try Me now in this," Says the Lord of hosts, "If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour our for you such blessing there will not be room enough to receive it." ¶ 7:47 PM
